Trigger warning: suicide, self-harm

“Am I going to have to be put away? Am I going to lose family? Am I going to lose my job now that I have been diagnosed with something?”

Zach Stier, 36, works as Head of Children's Services at Ericson Public Library in Boone. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in his early twenties, and the stigma around mental illness was one of the first things that filled his thoughts. Not only for his own view of himself, but how society would view him moving forward. 

“You get the diagnosis, and you go back to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and we’re gonna be put in a straitjacket and put away,” Zach said, “No, actually all of us are walking around and you just don’t know. There is a perception of what people [who are struggling with mental illness] should look like quote unquote […] I think many would be surprised how many people have a mental illness in their life that they wouldn’t even think about.” 

Since his diagnosis, Zach has come to peace with the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder, and through therapy, support from his family, medication, and putting effort into understanding the intricacies of his illness, he is able to manage the symptoms relatively well. Early on however, the symptoms were incredibly hard to manage. 

Bipolar disorder is associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs, with each phase sometimes lasting weeks to months. Zach’s description of his experiences aligns with that definition well. He experiences manic phases where he says he almost feels euphoric, he has much more energy than normal and that reflects in his day-to-day life. When at his highs he takes on more projects at work, sleeps less, makes a lot of plans with friends and family, and feels like he doesn’t need his medications. 

“Being in a manic state can be very exciting and powerful because you feel like you have all of this energy to take on all of this stuff, [...] but the depressive side, that’s a rough one because I work with kids all day, so when I feel that way I have to prepare myself to be in front of people and in front of the public so sometimes the facade is overwhelming.” Zach said. 

As he experiences the highs and as his mood shifts, Zach says the key is preparing himself for the struggle of the lows. Before his diagnosis, he had thoughts of suicide during his depressive phases. Today, he says even though he is medicated and visiting a therapist regularly, thoughts of suicide still exist somewhat, but the support he receives from various parts of his life get him through the tough times. 

“Parent’s support, definitely, having an ear to listen [...] and I would say my job saves me too, just knowing I am here for kids and knowing that I have a goal and a mission.” Zach said.

“To be open like this is so important. So, I can kind of help kids, young adults, or adults know that it’s okay to share their story”.  

He knows he is lucky to have a support system of family and friends but notes that if you don’t, there are groups and professionals that can find help, as well as free resources like the National Alliance on Mental Illness. He also believes it’s important to find those that you can lean on and be open and honest with them. Some days he finds himself hiding his emotions or not telling the truth because he doesn’t want to deal with it that day, but talking with a trusted friend, family member, or coworker can work wonders in feeling supported during struggles. 

As he has dealt with his mental illness over the past decade or so, mental health has become a much more common topic in pop culture, and society. Zach believes our society and specifically our state are in a better place in regard to mental health resources than before, but we aren’t where we need to be. 

“We’re doing what we can, but we can do better. We have resources that [the Healthiest State Initiative] provide which is awesome, but therapy wise, there are waiting lists and waiting lists, or you have to find somebody further away.” Zach said.  

Beyond finding therapists and psychiatrists accepting new patients, he notes the costs of some servicers out of pocket can be steep, and the support for mental health services from legislators could be better in Iowa. 

“I’m blessed to have insurance but there have been moments where I pay out of pocket. I’m not rolling in dough so when a session costs between $75 to $125 you have to evaluate where am I going to cut this from this time?” Zach said, “Our legislators could do better. I'm okay saying that. I hope it's okay for me to be open and honest with that. We need to focus better on mental health, we’re doing okay but we need to do better.” 

When these negatives pile up it’s important to focus on the positives, however. Mental illness doesn’t have to control you, it doesn’t have to define your life, and things do get better. When Zach gets down, he says it’s important to energize yourself for the future and to focus on more important things, like living. Through practice and professional help, you can control the illness instead of letting it control you. 

“Some people may look at you differently, but, oh well!” Zach said, “The first thing is to know you aren’t alone. I would just say take it slow and know that it’s going to be okay.” 

In sharing his experience, he hopes to be helpful, to start conversations for those struggling, and to open the eyes of those who may tell someone who is struggling to ‘suck it up’ or ‘quit seeking attention’, because it’s about more than that. Although it may be uncomfortable, speaking on our personal journeys with mental health is one of the best ways to fight the stigma that is still prevalent in communities around Iowa, so that people can learn about these illnesses and just how prevalent they are.  

The one thing Zach hopes people learn from his story? Understanding. 

“I’m a whole person and not one piece, there are many different layers to somebody beside what people see every day.”